DrLudicrous' Domain of Dementia

A glimpse into the inner workings of a watch missing one too many cogs. Prepare yourself for time dilation.

Monday, April 17, 2006

Fix Yer Eyesight in the Privacy of Yer Own Homestead

Dear God, and to think of all those years I've been going to the opthamologist and paying the Man for his contact lenses, spectacles, and other visual crutches. Not anymore!

Monday, February 06, 2006

What number are YOU?

My girlfriend has just informed me that I am number 66 on her cell phone speed dial list. 66? What the heck! Apparently, in no particular order, I am behind voicemail, her friend that lives in Tennessee, some dude named Matt, housemates she hardly ever sees, and her best friend's boyfriend. Here is a metaphor for the possible future of our relationship:

I want to be a single-digit dial. Otherwise, we could be Splitsville.

Monday, January 30, 2006

What is this?

What the hell is this thing? A blow-dryer for ear hair? A ray-gun? An earplug applicator?

You make the call.

Friday, July 15, 2005

My Celebrity Twin

Hey, and she can't sing either!


You scored as Ashlee Simpson. You are most like Ashlee Simpson (looks are not identical you just have similar features)



Ashlee Simpson


25%

Pamela Anderson


0%

Lindsay Lohan


0%

Paris Hilton


0%

Michael Jackson


0%

What Celebrity Could Be Your Twin!? (Awesome!!)
created with QuizFarm.com

My Ideal Drug




You scored as Inhalents. Sniffing chemicals you found under the sink again? Tsk tsk! This will lead you nowhere, and your high will only last a few minutes, or even seconds. You're breathing in toxins which cause deprivation of oxygen to your brain.Did you know you can DIE the first time you try huffing? Go for somethin else, babe.

Inhalents


81%

Marijuana


69%

None!


63%

Mushrooms


56%

Alcohol


56%

Ecstacy


44%

Cocaine


44%

What's your ideal drug?
created with QuizFarm.com

Oh boy, airplane glue here I come! Hell, this might explain why I like to mix toxic epoxies outside of a fume hood.

Choosing My Religion




Look below to see the results of my religion quiz. I didn't know I had such Satanic tendencies! But oh well, looks like it's Wicca for me!


You scored as Paganism. Your beliefs are most closely aligned with those of paganism, Wicca, or a similar earth-based religion. You may also follow a Native American religion.

Paganism


67%

Satanism


50%

Buddhism


46%

atheism


42%

agnosticism


38%

Judaism


21%

Christianity


17%

Islam


17%

Hinduism


13%

Which religion is the right one for you? (new version)
created with QuizFarm.com

20 Questions with Darth Vader



Yes, that's right, the Dark Lord of the Sith is interested in playing 20 questions with you, complete with witty commentary by Mr. Badass himself, Darth Vader. To check it out, just click the title link.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Venger


Just who the heck is this dude? Where's he going, and why? Why does he look so pissed off? What's going on in his little one-horned cabeza? And is it just me, or does his horse have a goatee or a moustache? It's a freakin' Beatnik Death Steed!

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Oh Man, I Don't Feel So Good!

Man, what the #*(% did I drink last night? I'm pukin my guts out here!

Nothing Says Classy Dame Like A Tube Top

I think title link speaks for itself, so I won't comment on it. But to go along with the theme of the title:



PS- I highly recommend not viewing any of the other pictures on the second website (the picture, not the title link). These people are incredibly scary- I think they may be in a cult.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

One Tough Old Dude

This old man from Kenya is amazing. Incredibly gutsy.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Praise Jesus!



Which would Jesus do?

Friday, June 17, 2005

How fitting!

Some people just get what's coming to them. Read on-

A Lakeview Drive woman, 25, believes two men stole her $13,000 wedding ring late June 9 or early June 10.

The woman met the men at Slam Jams. After drinking four beers, she decided to spend the night with them. About 2 a.m., the three walked to Hampton Inn across the street.

The woman left the hotel at 7 a.m. June 10. Both men were still sleeping. At 9 a.m. she realized her wedding ring was missing. She went back to Hampton, but the men were gone.

The woman and hotel workers looked for the ring, but they couldn't find it.


Slam Jams. Classy.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

ABC News: Men Can Also Offer Their Babies a Nipple

ABC News: Men Can Also Offer Their Babies a Nipple

Yes, but why on Earth would they want to?

Climb on, but watch out for the poop

CNN has a Reuter article entitled Sanitation problems for climbers. It's about how mountain climbers are getting sick with all kinds of ailments from leftover poop from previous climbers. Who woulda thunkit? And what can be done to solve this dilemma? Your suggestions are welcome.

Free Things to do in Ohio

I got this idea from a show the Don pointed out to me called "30 Days". In the show, a guy and his girlfriend live on minimum wage in Columbus, Ohio, for 30 days. One day, he is looking for free things to do with his nephew and neice and looks up this site. It includes such classics as:

Animal shelter: Kind of a sad visit if you don’t plan to adopt an animal but you may consider volunteering to walk a dog. Sometimes, the facility will allow you to tour its clinic and explain the shots and other treatments. It’s good for kids to learn about pet care.

Bank: Call up your local bank and ask for a tour. Winter Advisory: If you wear a ski-mask, take it off before entering the bank. Kids love the big vaults.

Model homes: Create your own home and garden show. Just go to dream or get ideas for your own home improvement or landscaping project. Bring a camera.

Water Plant/power plant: Yet another tour awaiting your phone call.


Wow. Ohio just isn't a very fun place to be if you are living on the cheap. One thing this site didn't mention is my favorite pasttime- watching the antics of the crazy crackheads that filter in and out of the rundown house across the street from me. It's better than HBO!

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Don's New Beaux



Don's new girlfriend sure is hot, but that wig of his has got to go! And are they both really stoned?

Monday, June 13, 2005

A familiar face



Who is that guy in the white suit? He sure looks familiar. I wonder if he's a fellow time traveller. Any hoot, he has some big guns, doesn't he? Let's take a closer look at that mug:



What a happy fellow!

Friday, June 10, 2005

For the Don

What kind of weird version of volleyball is this? Is that line in the middle the net, and if so, why are people floating on top of one another?

Also, I like the high-quality graphics.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Cheap Gas for the Masses

Cheap Gas is a website that combines Google maps with user submitted gas prices to form a map. You can then click on a gas station within the map to find it price, as well as having a list of gas stations sorted by price.

Monday, June 06, 2005

What me, worry?



'Nuff said.

Friday, June 03, 2005

This Post Dedicated to Mademoiselles Dirienzo and Batun

This is what I looked like before my disfiguring accident:



You know what I'm talking about.

Praise the Lord!

:::xxxchurch.com::: This place is for real. Incredible. I like "Wally's seven day porn challenge", which you can learn more about at Wally the Weiner's website.

Thursday, June 02, 2005

Congratulations to the Don

Congratulations go out to the Don on passing his general exam with psychedelic colors.



This is the Don. He is a good guy. Seventy-nine.

Monday, May 30, 2005

Karaoke King for a Week

So last week I won a karaoke contest. First off, I want to thank the one, the only, the unforgettable Barry Manilow:



Barry, thanks for being you. You are an inspiration to many of us, and your fashion sense rivals Liberace's. And you won me a free Zeno's t-shirt. What more can I ask of a guy I've never even met? What a pal!

What song did I sing? Why, Copacabana, of course! It's a crowd-pleaser. This was a big improvement over my lounge singer version of "The Pusher" by Steppenwolf. All those "Goddamns" being crooned out in a cheesy imitation of Wayne Newton can get on the audience's nerves. I seem to do best when imitating actual lounge singers. Of course, I still think my best all-time performance was Vanilla Ice's "Ice Ice Baby", in the style of Dick Cheese.

Dick, who?

Richard "Dick" Cheese and Lounge Against the Machine, that's who.
+ = ???

Now that's a class act. If this whole physics thing doesn't work out, maybe I can go to Vegas and belt out "Bust a Move" a la Sinatra.

Damn Right He Is!

Poppin' Fresh



Hee hee!

Favorite Video Games of Terrorist Youth


Torpedo in the reservoir!

Saturday, May 28, 2005

Child of Paul Bunyan and Babe the Ox

OMG! It's a chimera!

Arrrrrgh!

Look out, mateys, it's the dread pirate Rasta!

Friday, May 20, 2005

What a happy family

Stay-at-home Mom, stuttering Dad, emotionally deprived and disabled only child.

What People Talk About

[19:48] Arjuna Yeah, I have 8x AGP. It'd be like having a set of teeth in my asshole, absolutely useless.
[19:48] Arjuna Actually, a set of teeth in my asshole would be useful in certain circumstances.
[19:49] Prezident yea, like if you were in prison
[19:49] Arjuna Yep, that is what I was thinking.
[19:49] Arjuna As long as the teeth could bite down it'd be ok.
[19:49] Arjuna Teeth without the jaw would be pretty pointless.
[19:49] Arjuna They
[19:49] Prezident now, would you have to brush the teeth in your asshole too?
[19:50] Arjuna They'd just scrape.
[19:50] Prezident and if you did, would you use the same toothbrush you use for your mouth?
[19:50] Arjuna I am not sure about that, I'd guess you'd have too.
[19:50] Arjuna I'd use the same one, but I'd always brush the teeth in my mouth first then my asshole teeth.
[19:51] Arjuna Soak it in some alcohol afterwards.
[19:51] Arjuna I'd have a really nice vibrating toothbrush though.
[19:51] Arjuna And my farts would smell like toothpaste!
[19:52] Prezident gives a whole new meaning to morning breath
[19:52] Arjuna Sure does.

Let the Clone Wars begin

Here are my questions...

Three names I've been called:

MacPhudpucker (grandpa)
MotorMouth (Jerry, the schoolbus driver in 1st grade)
Paul (some guy at a deli back home, who must have wondered wtf when I signed my name)


Three screen names that I am glad I didn't choose:

1. ltcmdrphoeonix
2. feynman
3. cmdrphoenix

Three things I like about James Morris:

1. Arizona
2. His hair (Jen White's a big fan too)
3. He shares an office with the Don.

Three things I don't like about Rick Santorum:

Three things is not enough of an opportunity for to properly express my dislike of this individual.

Three parts of my body:

1. left pinkie finger
2. xiphoid process
3. a partially formed identical twin causing me to see incredible hallucinations

Three things that weird me out:

1. shrimp, the cockroaches of the sea
2. scientology
3. wearing white after labor day

Three of my everyday essentials:

1. internet
2. a good bowel movement
3. clean underwear


Three things I am wearing right now:

1. my prosthetic moustache
2. a shit-eating grin
3. a mu-mu

Three of my least favorite colors:

1. pink
2. melon
3. burnt sienna

Three of my fave movies:

1. Howard the Duck
2. Major League II
3. Piñata: Survival Island

Three new things I want to for Christmas:

1. cash money
2. to be done with my General Exam
3. to be someplace warm

Three things I dislike in a relationship:

1. makeup
2. intermittent sex
3. talking about being in a relationship incessantly

Two lies and a truth:

1. I lie all the time.
2. I lie someties.
3. I never lie.

Three things that attract me to Physics:

1. hotspot for meeting women
2. who doesn't want to spend years studying Quantum Mechanics?
3. crazy german professors

Three things I can do without:

1. fast food
2. supernaturalism
3. people without direction

Three things I do a lot of:

1. Cooking
2. Breaking/fixing things
3. Bitching

Three places I've been on vacation:

1. Rocky Mountain National Park
2. Puracé Volcano, Colombia
3. Junior and Senior years, undergrad

Three things I just can't stop doing:

1. Talking
2. Chowing down tender cuts o' cow
3. sounding like a stage villan when I laugh

Three kids' names that should never be:

1. Chisom (for a girl)
2. Kelly (for a boy)
3. Buttface

Three things I want to do after I die:

1. Get my PhD
2. Never have to worry about eating cheese again
3. Kick back and not do anything for a while

Three celebrities I hope I never meet:

1. Alanis Morrisette
2. Paul Reubens
3. Keith Hernandez

I tag nobody, because I'm not in 2nd grade anymore.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

He likes to drink through a straw

Darth Vader needs a little lovin now and again.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Why the British Are No Fun

Jesus... and people say Cleveland is bad.

Sunday, May 15, 2005


What's in those Lucky Charms? Posted by Hello

European Video Games

Those crazy Europeans sure know how to make a good game:
Who knew that five games are unlimited variations?

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

And speaking of used cars...

What is up with this "certified preowned" B.S.? Remember when this didn't exist? I wonder if it's in the dictionary yet. Whichever marketing person thought of this first should be tried for crimes against humanity.

Urinal Cake Messages

If your a guy, you've seen 'em before- urinal cakes with a motto or message on them. Why do these things even exist? How can a company make money selling ads on a thing that people piss on? I mean, whatever it is you would like people to do (say, buy cars at your used car lot, or to not do drugs), they are literally pissing on your message.

Of course, there are always other types of urinal cakes:

What's in there?

Go ahead, stick your head inside! There's a shiny new Texas quarter down there!

What the hell is this?

I have no idea what this is- it could be really gross, or it could be really cool. You tell me.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

If there is such a thing as hell, this is what is for dinner every night

Those of you who are acquainted with me know that I am not a big fan of seafood and dairy. As a matter of fact, they disgust me. I have to leave the room if someone is eating fish or cheese because the smell makes me want to vomit all over everything- in my mind, this would improve the ambiance of the room. I also don't believe in hell, but if there is one, this would be on the menu every night:

Monday, May 09, 2005

Tattoos

I never have really been into tattoos. It's not that they gross me out, some are actually quite artistic; however, I would not get one myself.. Unfortunately, most tattoos are not the most tasteful forms of art out there. I view these as a fad such as Roos, friendship bracelets, mood rings, acid-washed jeans, etc., except this is a fad-for-life.

What really gets me are women who get butt-toppers (butttoppers?) or tattoos on their bellies. Obviously, they are not considering what happens when you birth a few babbies. You see, your skin will most likely becoming very stretched out, and after pushing out your kiddo (or having him cut out) will stay stretched out to some degree. This means that awesome tattoo you got when you were 19, that looked so great for your 4 years of college is now going to look something like this. Brilliant.

This should have been in The Onion- one man's quest to enter the swimming pool unadorned with skin art. How dare he!

Last but not least, I wonder if some guys ever get butt-toppers. You can only guess what that would mean.

Saturday, May 07, 2005

The Man Behind the Mask

Man, this is so disappointing.



This however, is not.

Sealophant?

Seen somewhere in the forests of central Ohio:



For more good stuff in this vein, visit here.

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Alternative uses for a lightsaber

Why flick a Bic?

Monday, May 02, 2005

Are comments working? Please comment.

Clean as a Whistle

Why do we say "clean as a whistle"? Is there some inherently clean property about whistles? When I think of whistles, I think of a little metal thing that a person blows into, possibly with bad breath, spit, boogers, you name it, flying into it. That's anything but clean in my book. Kind of gross actually. Next time someone says clean as a whistle, I think I might bring this up:

as clean as a whistle without any dirt or marks, smooth and clean The hen squeezed, and out popped an egg as clean as a whistle.

When I think of clean as a whistle, it just doesn't get any better than a chicken pushing a shit-coated egg out of its ass.
Man, someone beat me to the punch. I should have had this idea a lot sooner.
It really pays to be Jewish, or a Buddhist. Southern Baptist, not so good. Hmm, maybe there is a God.
The French love Jerry Lewis. Read on to find out who is hot stuff in India's Bollywood.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Fascinating.
http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/wireStory?id=684488