DrLudicrous' Domain of Dementia

A glimpse into the inner workings of a watch missing one too many cogs. Prepare yourself for time dilation.

Monday, May 30, 2005

Karaoke King for a Week

So last week I won a karaoke contest. First off, I want to thank the one, the only, the unforgettable Barry Manilow:

Barry, thanks for being you. You are an inspiration to many of us, and your fashion sense rivals Liberace's. And you won me a free Zeno's t-shirt. What more can I ask of a guy I've never even met? What a pal!

What song did I sing? Why, Copacabana, of course! It's a crowd-pleaser. This was a big improvement over my lounge singer version of "The Pusher" by Steppenwolf. All those "Goddamns" being crooned out in a cheesy imitation of Wayne Newton can get on the audience's nerves. I seem to do best when imitating actual lounge singers. Of course, I still think my best all-time performance was Vanilla Ice's "Ice Ice Baby", in the style of Dick Cheese.

Dick, who?

Richard "Dick" Cheese and Lounge Against the Machine, that's who.
+ = ???

Now that's a class act. If this whole physics thing doesn't work out, maybe I can go to Vegas and belt out "Bust a Move" a la Sinatra.

Damn Right He Is!

Poppin' Fresh

Hee hee!

Favorite Video Games of Terrorist Youth

Torpedo in the reservoir!

Saturday, May 28, 2005

Child of Paul Bunyan and Babe the Ox

OMG! It's a chimera!


Look out, mateys, it's the dread pirate Rasta!

Friday, May 20, 2005

What a happy family

Stay-at-home Mom, stuttering Dad, emotionally deprived and disabled only child.

What People Talk About

[19:48] Arjuna Yeah, I have 8x AGP. It'd be like having a set of teeth in my asshole, absolutely useless.
[19:48] Arjuna Actually, a set of teeth in my asshole would be useful in certain circumstances.
[19:49] Prezident yea, like if you were in prison
[19:49] Arjuna Yep, that is what I was thinking.
[19:49] Arjuna As long as the teeth could bite down it'd be ok.
[19:49] Arjuna Teeth without the jaw would be pretty pointless.
[19:49] Arjuna They
[19:49] Prezident now, would you have to brush the teeth in your asshole too?
[19:50] Arjuna They'd just scrape.
[19:50] Prezident and if you did, would you use the same toothbrush you use for your mouth?
[19:50] Arjuna I am not sure about that, I'd guess you'd have too.
[19:50] Arjuna I'd use the same one, but I'd always brush the teeth in my mouth first then my asshole teeth.
[19:51] Arjuna Soak it in some alcohol afterwards.
[19:51] Arjuna I'd have a really nice vibrating toothbrush though.
[19:51] Arjuna And my farts would smell like toothpaste!
[19:52] Prezident gives a whole new meaning to morning breath
[19:52] Arjuna Sure does.

Let the Clone Wars begin

Here are my questions...

Three names I've been called:

MacPhudpucker (grandpa)
MotorMouth (Jerry, the schoolbus driver in 1st grade)
Paul (some guy at a deli back home, who must have wondered wtf when I signed my name)

Three screen names that I am glad I didn't choose:

1. ltcmdrphoeonix
2. feynman
3. cmdrphoenix

Three things I like about James Morris:

1. Arizona
2. His hair (Jen White's a big fan too)
3. He shares an office with the Don.

Three things I don't like about Rick Santorum:

Three things is not enough of an opportunity for to properly express my dislike of this individual.

Three parts of my body:

1. left pinkie finger
2. xiphoid process
3. a partially formed identical twin causing me to see incredible hallucinations

Three things that weird me out:

1. shrimp, the cockroaches of the sea
2. scientology
3. wearing white after labor day

Three of my everyday essentials:

1. internet
2. a good bowel movement
3. clean underwear

Three things I am wearing right now:

1. my prosthetic moustache
2. a shit-eating grin
3. a mu-mu

Three of my least favorite colors:

1. pink
2. melon
3. burnt sienna

Three of my fave movies:

1. Howard the Duck
2. Major League II
3. Piñata: Survival Island

Three new things I want to for Christmas:

1. cash money
2. to be done with my General Exam
3. to be someplace warm

Three things I dislike in a relationship:

1. makeup
2. intermittent sex
3. talking about being in a relationship incessantly

Two lies and a truth:

1. I lie all the time.
2. I lie someties.
3. I never lie.

Three things that attract me to Physics:

1. hotspot for meeting women
2. who doesn't want to spend years studying Quantum Mechanics?
3. crazy german professors

Three things I can do without:

1. fast food
2. supernaturalism
3. people without direction

Three things I do a lot of:

1. Cooking
2. Breaking/fixing things
3. Bitching

Three places I've been on vacation:

1. Rocky Mountain National Park
2. Puracé Volcano, Colombia
3. Junior and Senior years, undergrad

Three things I just can't stop doing:

1. Talking
2. Chowing down tender cuts o' cow
3. sounding like a stage villan when I laugh

Three kids' names that should never be:

1. Chisom (for a girl)
2. Kelly (for a boy)
3. Buttface

Three things I want to do after I die:

1. Get my PhD
2. Never have to worry about eating cheese again
3. Kick back and not do anything for a while

Three celebrities I hope I never meet:

1. Alanis Morrisette
2. Paul Reubens
3. Keith Hernandez

I tag nobody, because I'm not in 2nd grade anymore.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

He likes to drink through a straw

Darth Vader needs a little lovin now and again.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Why the British Are No Fun

Jesus... and people say Cleveland is bad.

Sunday, May 15, 2005

What's in those Lucky Charms? Posted by Hello

European Video Games

Those crazy Europeans sure know how to make a good game:
Who knew that five games are unlimited variations?

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

And speaking of used cars...

What is up with this "certified preowned" B.S.? Remember when this didn't exist? I wonder if it's in the dictionary yet. Whichever marketing person thought of this first should be tried for crimes against humanity.

Urinal Cake Messages

If your a guy, you've seen 'em before- urinal cakes with a motto or message on them. Why do these things even exist? How can a company make money selling ads on a thing that people piss on? I mean, whatever it is you would like people to do (say, buy cars at your used car lot, or to not do drugs), they are literally pissing on your message.

Of course, there are always other types of urinal cakes:

What's in there?

Go ahead, stick your head inside! There's a shiny new Texas quarter down there!

What the hell is this?

I have no idea what this is- it could be really gross, or it could be really cool. You tell me.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

If there is such a thing as hell, this is what is for dinner every night

Those of you who are acquainted with me know that I am not a big fan of seafood and dairy. As a matter of fact, they disgust me. I have to leave the room if someone is eating fish or cheese because the smell makes me want to vomit all over everything- in my mind, this would improve the ambiance of the room. I also don't believe in hell, but if there is one, this would be on the menu every night:

Monday, May 09, 2005


I never have really been into tattoos. It's not that they gross me out, some are actually quite artistic; however, I would not get one myself.. Unfortunately, most tattoos are not the most tasteful forms of art out there. I view these as a fad such as Roos, friendship bracelets, mood rings, acid-washed jeans, etc., except this is a fad-for-life.

What really gets me are women who get butt-toppers (butttoppers?) or tattoos on their bellies. Obviously, they are not considering what happens when you birth a few babbies. You see, your skin will most likely becoming very stretched out, and after pushing out your kiddo (or having him cut out) will stay stretched out to some degree. This means that awesome tattoo you got when you were 19, that looked so great for your 4 years of college is now going to look something like this. Brilliant.

This should have been in The Onion- one man's quest to enter the swimming pool unadorned with skin art. How dare he!

Last but not least, I wonder if some guys ever get butt-toppers. You can only guess what that would mean.

Saturday, May 07, 2005

The Man Behind the Mask

Man, this is so disappointing.

This however, is not.


Seen somewhere in the forests of central Ohio:

For more good stuff in this vein, visit here.

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Alternative uses for a lightsaber

Why flick a Bic?

Monday, May 02, 2005

Are comments working? Please comment.

Clean as a Whistle

Why do we say "clean as a whistle"? Is there some inherently clean property about whistles? When I think of whistles, I think of a little metal thing that a person blows into, possibly with bad breath, spit, boogers, you name it, flying into it. That's anything but clean in my book. Kind of gross actually. Next time someone says clean as a whistle, I think I might bring this up:

as clean as a whistle without any dirt or marks, smooth and clean The hen squeezed, and out popped an egg as clean as a whistle.

When I think of clean as a whistle, it just doesn't get any better than a chicken pushing a shit-coated egg out of its ass.
Man, someone beat me to the punch. I should have had this idea a lot sooner.
It really pays to be Jewish, or a Buddhist. Southern Baptist, not so good. Hmm, maybe there is a God.
The French love Jerry Lewis. Read on to find out who is hot stuff in India's Bollywood.